Dear person next to me on the bus,
Despite what you are texting to your friend, “the white lady” next to you — me, that is — does not, in fact, “think you are contagious or something.”
Have you never ridden a bus before? It is generally considered polite to stay out of a seat mate’s personal space as much as is feasible. When one’s seat mate is large or is rudely taking up more than half of the bench — like you are, for instance — that sometimes involves hanging out into the aisle a bit.
Also, let’s do a reality check here. If I am close enough to unintentionally see your text messages, I’m not treating you like you’re contagious. Choosing to stand instead of occupying the half-seat worth of space you left me (asshole) would be treating you like you’re contagious.
While I am sorry that you apparently have reason to think professionally-dressed white women would treat you like you’re contagious, I am nonetheless offended that you assume it. And I’m especially offended that you wouldn’t scoot over further on a packed bus.
Kindly go to hell, Lady Quantum
When a bus is scheduled for 4:27 p.m., it’s generally polite for the bus to arrive within a 15 minute window of 4:27 p.m.
Or to arrive at all.
Because nobody is happy when two buses’ worth of rush-hour commuters are packed onto one bus. Especially not my surly seat mate, it would seem.
My sincere thanks for a miserable commute, Lady Quantum
I understand that you regularly schedule athletic events, and that sometimes these events necessitate the closure of campus roads.
Major crosstown thoroughfares are not campus roads. Please do not park your little flashing-light parking truck in the middle of the motherfucking road, and especially do not yell at me for pulling a u-turn when I come up against your little flashing-light parking truck. Where the fuck was I supposed to go? Into your parking lot? Go to hell.
Further, your traffic signs that are designed to warn unsuspecting drivers of upcoming events and direct traffic have been stuck on “IRON DUKES PASS SECOND LEFT” for a month. This is extremely unhelpful.
I wish you a thousand defeats. I would wish them anyway, but now I’m doing it more vehemently.
Please fuck off and die, Lady Quantum
Dear drivers of Durham,
The speed limit on NC 751 is 55 mph, not 35 mph. Please observe it, because some of us have been trying to get home for more than two hours and are really fucking pissed.
Have a terrible weekend, Lady Quantum