open letters

October 12, 2010

Dear internet,

I have a lot of rage this morning, and I cannot, for one reason or another, direct it into actually calling out the things that are pissing me off.  You’re going to get my passive-aggressive version of it.

And StayFocusd, if you cut me off from WordPress mid-post, I am not responsible for any violence that ensues.

Love, Lady Quantum


Dear friends who live far away from me,

I am a much better reason to visit Colorado than a band you’ve seen play fifty times.  Also, it is generally polite to let me know that you’re coming, instead of giving me a call when you incidentally remember I live here once you’ve arrived, and then be willing to work with my schedule to hang out, since you didn’t give me any goddamn notice to begin with.

Just so you all know.

Love, Lady Quantum


Dear Braintwin’s lab mates,

You all are the most miserable excuses for humans I have ever heard about and had the pleasure of not meeting.  I think, in the midst of your many academic achievements, you neglected to take Don’t Be An Asshole 101.  Someone who shows up in lab with fucking strep throat on a regular basis is working too hard, not slacking off.  Someone who accidentally knocks a few flakes of frost into a drawer is not actively trying to sabotage your work, and it’s not their fault if your paper labels come off if you put those labels in a place where they were likely to get wet (such as under a frost-covered drawer), dumbass.  They will not read your mind about this issue either, so if it does upset you and you don’t want it to happen again, one would generally advise you to a) waterproof your damn labels, b) move your damn bottles, or c) mention the issue when it’s actually relevant.  It’s not a good idea to immediately begin shouting about it months after the fact, and then gather everyone else in the lab to launch into a treatise titled, “Why Braintwin is the most worthless person we’ve met.”  She’s not.  She’s worth about fifty of you, assholes.

Further, you are in no way entitled to monitor Braintwin’s location at all times, and she does not have to report to you when she’s not coming in or is leaving early for some reason.  She is not some kind of felon on parole.  She’s a grad student having a hard time.  Sharing a workspace does not give you any right to tell her how to run her life.

I hope you all choke on your Ph.D.s and all your labels wash off.  May your reactions fail every time.

Love, Lady Quantum


Dear miscreant mutt,

It is raining.  The sky is not falling, it is not the apocalypse, and it’s not even that damn cold out.  You will probably suffer much more if you sit here and whine that you have to pee than if you just suck it up and go pee when I open the door for you.  I know I suffer more.

I hate you.  You’re right behind me, looking at me like I can do something about your pain other than open the door and usher you outside, but I really can’t.  I’m not sorry.  Just go outside already and pee.  Please.

Also, whining does not make me feed you faster.  Just so you know.

Love, Lady Quantum


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