an open letter, and a story of startling incompetence

January 20, 2011

Dear Verizon Wireless,

Despite your brilliantly friendly and helpful customer service representatives, I hope you die and go to hell.  I will never, ever, everevereverever EVER be buying service from you again.


If your company one day has a complete monopoly on cell phone service, and I have to choose between buying service from you and not having a cell phone, I will not have a cell phone.  Your incompetence astounds me, and I can’t believe I pay you $70 a month to fuck things up so royally.  Please die.

Lady Quantum


So the story here…

In November, I order a phone for the partner and add him to my phone plan like we’re grown-ups.  I promptly get an email and a phone call telling me that the order didn’t go through because of some credit card discrepancy (his name, my card), so we cancel the order.  I re-order as they tell me to, and we all go on our merry ways.

A few days later, I get a tracking code…and then another tracking code.  My “cancelled” order was in transit.  Wheeeee!  It arrives, we immediately put it back on the truck without even opening the box.  The other one arrives.  The partner activates it, doesn’t like the new fancy smart phone (turns out “unlimited” data does not mean unlimited, FYI, and so you can’t use it to hook your computer to the network unless you want skyrocketing pay-per-use charges).  He takes it to the store and swaps it for an un-fancy phone, and we all go on our merry ways once more, thinking the whole mess is resolved.

Today, I do some digging into my billing details, because somebody I know is way over on the texts we paid for this month, and I discover something interesting: there are three lines on our account.  Oh boy!  Out whips the phone and I am talking to Verizon’s customer service as fast as I can say “english” and “representative” into their menus.

First guy I talk to: you activated the phone, we never got it back, so to close the line, you would be charged early termination fees, as well as the full price of the phone.  WHAT?  BULLSHIT.  Poor guy was very helpful and withstood my (justifiable) rage quite politely.  It wasn’t his fault, but his company’s fault, and yeah, I was pretty unhappy.

I do some research, get about fifteen tracking numbers, and call them back.  Second woman I talk to: jesus, what did we do to your bill?  This doesn’t make any sense!  That was pretty reassuring to hear, honestly, even while it’s not.  On the one hand, she’s on my side; on the other, the left hand knoweth not what the right hand doeth.  At all.  It’s like the left hand wandered off and got blackout drunk while the right hand went and activated a phone that doesn’t exist and then drew a penis drawn on the left hand’s face face in sharpie and lied about it later.

So I spend another half hour on the phone (took me 45 minutes with the first guy) while she mutters to herself about how retarded her company is, and occasionally gets another number from me.  She eventually tracks everything down — including the awesome tidbit that the phone activated itself, according to their records — and apparently isn’t able to completely fix it without jumping through a few more hoops, but I’m supposed to get a phone call once it all goes through.

I bet they call the line I’m trying to kill.


One comment

  1. credo.com

    At the very least they won’t roll over for someone without a warrant. And while I haven’t had perfect customer service with them, they’re not Verizon.

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